sick.note-section-header TW13

Sick ‘n’ Tired (An exploration of anger as a healing process)

Don’t do it. Don’t ask “How are you?” Unless you are ready for me to disgorge at your feet the vitriol and the bile of incompetence. To face non-interest in your research of symptoms and the library of diseases this has opened up for consideration.

I am sick: still.
I am angry: now.
I am angry at still being sick and bored beyond measure at describing my existence in words that in summation form an index of pain, fragility and dysfunction.

I am frustrated by medical professionals turned pushers of narcotics that blunt what little feeling I have remaining and disheartened by those turned avoiders: who hide from my calls because my condition pushed them to the limits of their knowledge and expertise and do not wish for reminders.
Is it too much to ask for acknowledgement that my life has come to a standstill? To ask for understanding that I turn to you for aid following month after month of inner disturbance?

I am exhausted from filling lengthy forms designed to test my incapacity: forcing me to prove inadequacy over and again as I beg for assistance to manage my meagre subsistence.
As if the fact of my illness were not enough, I am chastised into writing “I cannot …” repeatedly across blackboards of administrative petitions.

What a pitiful creature am I made by this illness!
Inability to function without assistance has robbed me of privacy and solitude. Inability to control one’s own form has stranded me in my own home and turned a place of shelter into a holding cell. Not prison yet, as stubbornness forces me to remember what I built this space for; but some days, it is a close-fought battle.

I want to become that inconsolable child who throws itself upon the floor and howls: to just roar and roar and roar and refuse to be comforted.
Such a release would seem a relief, but I am afraid: for there is such rage within me:

This … THIS is not me. THIS is not my life. THIS is not what I spent effort and sacrifice to achieve.
This feeble being living a figment of life: existing from one point of agony and defect to another is NOT who I am.
 
 
And so you find me here: bent sobbing over a keyboard; shaking fingers punching keys in an attempt to convey the ferocity of feeling that bubbles beneath solid bone and stains inert nerves with bitterness and futility.
But I am struggling to shape the words into a corresponding torment: to match language to exquisite distress and infirmity.

So today, I’ll admit to defeat and simply say: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!
 

 
 
SO TELL ME: What do you think of this piece?

  • Did it engage you?
  • Does the meaning come across? Are there any images or lines you don’t understand or find unclear?
  • Are there obvious errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar?
  • Do you have any suggestions for revision?

Please be brutally honest in your assessments – good, bad or indifferent.
I don’t scare easily; and I really do want to hear what YOU have to say about my work.

Many thanks in advance for your time and your criticism.
 
 

Related Posts

You can find out about other bloggers’ Murphy’s Law experiences at The Daily Post: Comedy of Errors
 
 

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AUTHOR: I am might war. I have a love of music, the written word, travel, Anime, polar bears, people and “sticking and colouring”.

14 thoughts on “Sick ‘n’ Tired (An exploration of anger as a healing process)

  1. First and foremost I appreciate the like; “Men Remember”…You have talent, imbedded in sentence structure and flow…The subject matter reminds me of self 34 years ago when I gave up and surrendered to my alcoholism…I took my first drink at age 6 and fell apart at age 36…Swirling in a rapid river of emotional pain wanting to kill whatever moved due to the absence of calluses on feelings…It took 5 years to stop staring at the place I fell and accept all that broken glass passed by in 30 years…Now 71, I’ve been returned to normal; or what I perceive as normal…Humor, writing, fishing keep this re-born man sane and at peace…
    Stay in touch, I sense we should share…………..

  2. I know I’m commenting on a lot of your posts. I hope you don’t mind. I know you might feel helpless and weak but I am amazed and impressed by your fortitude and tenacity. I don’t think this illness has got you beaten yet! I am not the sort of person who would shy away from someone because of an illness like this. I stand by my friends, thick or thin so I’m dissapointed that some of your friends have distanced themselves from you. Do you know of any other people who are suffering the same symptoms as yourself? It must be a lonely and frightening thing to keep seeking medical advice and not turning any corners with it and not getting any concrete answers. Have you tried any natural healing remedies or any of that sort of stuff? It’s all quackery but if you get the right bit of quackery it might just help you to turn a corner. Are you getting progressively worse, or have you halted deterioration for the time being? I am not just asking idle, morbid questions. I’m truly interested and care about your responses. xo

    1. Dear strawberryquicksand,

      I am happy to have you comment as often as you like as it lets me practice conversing in this new medium.

      As yet, I don’t know anyone suffering my symptoms. Even my Neurologist has commented that my case is “very complex”. I have seen a number of medical professionals and they are mostly just stumped. I am currently waiting for an appointment date at the National Hospital for Neurology & Neuroscience, so hopefully we’ll get a few answers from their assessment.

      I suppose you could say that at this time, I am at a good point in my illness as 21 months down the line, I have a better understanding of my different episodes. The first 5 months were the hardest as I couldn’t be left alone and had friends and family rearranging their diaries so that there was always someone with me. There seems to be no discernible pattern to the episodes – they just happen (despite the copious medication I have been prescribed). Which is why I am mostly housebound.

      I recently tried Medical Hypnosis (suggested by the Occupational Health Physician) and that has been a tremendous help when it comes to sleep. I am now able to lie down to sleep 3-4 times a weeks and it has made a considerable difference. I don’t always sleep the whole night through, but it is an improvement on the 2-5 hours that I was getting a couple of times a week.

      And to clarify, it’s not my friends who’ve distanced themselves, but actual medical professionals. My sister thinks it may be because they have no answer for me. Although I’d prefer that they just said this rather than ignoring my calls and emails and avoiding scheduling follow-up appointments.

  3. Hey! Thank you for answering my questions. 🙂 One would imagine that somewhere there must be at least one medical specialist that can work out what the damned problem is! Sounds like a right bit of fuckery if you ask me. It’s a positive thing that you better understand your illness. It would be better still if you didn’t have to because it didn’t exist, but it does, unfortunately. Make sure you give us all an update if there is anything new to report from your test results!

    You said that there is no discernable pattern to your episodes, but have you tried keeping a food diary? Stupid thought, perhaps, but maybe a particular food sets you off. I know people who have had all sorts of different ailments etc and when they have kept a food diary they start to see correlations between what they consume and the way their body reacts to it.

    It’s great that you are able to get more sleep now. I could not imagine only living on minimal sleep. Asides from that HOW DAMNED BORING to be awake all the time! I’m glad you cleared up who was avoiding you – I thought your friends had all done a runner, in which case it would probably be a good thing. One of my favourite sayings is “If you loan a friend $50 bucks and you never see them again, it was probably worth it”. lol.

    Damn the medical professionals. Do you reckon it would be worth starting from scratch with some new doctor somewhere? Don’t give them any previous records and see if they have a totally different idea of where to turn to? (of course, the only problem with this is that they would want to do all the tests again… and that would not be cheap!) A fresh view can often reveal something a staid and stale one does not…

    Well, thanks again. I look forward to your reply and hope you are getting slowly (or preferably quickly) closer to a cure!!!! xo

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