And so it came to pass that nary thirty minutes after might war commented on technology hating her (see: Blogging … and sh!t), Lo and Behold! … the b!stard starts playing silly b!ggers and removes the Featured Image from several posts for reasons inexplicable to all but those dwelling within the heavenly realms.
[bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words… bad words…].
And the frustrating thing about this situation is that it is so late as to be too early to wake the neighbours with the words that I am currently screaming in the privacy of my mind.
I’m pretty sure that when people think of the phrase “dawn chorus”, they are not in fact referring to the refrain that I am desperately trying to refrain from bellowing at the top of my lungs!
Even Luther is not helping; and you know it’s bad when Luther’s sweet, dulcet tones are not enough to soothe the savage [I’m gonna kick this blasted machine’s head in!] breast.
And b-r-e-a-t-h-e …
[I am at one with the universe… I am at one with the universe… I am at one with the universe… I am at one with the universe…].
OK, I’m lying to myself. I am not at one. I’m at “pissed off” and accelerating.
I’m tired, but can’t sleep. So I thought “A little creative therapy should do the trick”. I turn on, sign in and start sticking and colouring on my shiny new cyber-toy. I manage to upload ONE post and then everything goes to sh!t.
I cuss – but quietly, because it really is too early to be greeting the new day with such (imaginatively suggestive) words.
I take a toilet break because a change is as good as a rest (or so I have heard it said).
I come back, retest the pages and find that no, I wasn’t mistaken.
I then delete and re-upload the required images; edit all the affected posts in strict accordance to the Support page’s instructions and then check things out via the Preview.
Look-it there. There is my beautiful creation – all pretty and looking just how I want it to.
But I’m being taken for a fool, Ladies and Gentlemen. Because when I move away from the Preview screen and into the website itself, I am faced with the random showcase of default images that WordPress very kindly provided with my chosen Theme. [I feel a System Of A Down moment coming on…].
All I can think of is breaking something. But I know I won’t because:
1. I really can’t afford to buy a replacement computer at this point in my life;
2. A new machine will not change the fuckerty; and
3. My wife will kill me if she awakens to find that I have systematically and maniacally destroyed the most expensive inanimate object that we joint-own.
And so I grit my teeth and prepare myself for the electronic ordeal that is about to ensue.
I swear that technology senses my presence. I must emit some sort of electronic signal which makes tech gear think “Have at you knave! Thou darest demand actions of us?” Because it functions just enough to get me to believe that I can operate it. But then what follows is repeated disappointment and ever-growing frustration as every attempt is foiled by the gadget’s refusal to just FOLLOW THE F!CKING MANUAL!!!!
There! Right there on page whatever, it says that if I press button A and then click on icon B, I shall produce result C – which is my intended goal.
What happens in reality is that I press button A, then click on icon B … and then the gadget calls me the C-word and provides me with a demurely-insulting screen that looks nothing like the screenshot in aforementioned manual/ebooklet/online technical publication.
And so an hour has passed and I have applied every bit of computing knowledge I have and tried every piece of guidance that comes with the website.
I have had me some “Chop Suey!” followed by Martina McBride followed by Joe. Currently playing is Nickelback’s “Next Contestant” – which matches my brawling mood perfectly. I am still tired and still not asleep, but I have managed to fix some of the technical difficulties that were interrupting the broadcast.
Things are not the way that I would like them to look, but this current version is better than the eyesore that the system created for its own amusement and my guaranteed vein-popping reaction.
I am in full agreement with Clive James when he said that “It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.”
But I will not beg. I will not stroke the computer screen in the hopes of eliciting a response vaguely in line with what is stated in the operating manual. I. Will. Not. Beg.
I am a mammal.
It is a machine.
Mammals have conquered the earth.
And I will conquer technology.
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AUTHOR: I am might war. I have a love of music, the written word, travel, Anime, polar bears, people and “sticking and colouring”.