Less than you would have liked
18 months to 1 infinity
Submitted by: Fuckerty Happens
From: The Good-Kicking Guide
Fuckerty Happens scores a
debilitating hat-trick with this
delectable human sponge
soaked in ailments and filled
- 225g human body, tormented beyond recognition by contrary symptoms
- 225g conflicting diagnoses
- 225g assortment of strong prescription medications
- 4 medical professionals examining the body from their own specialised areas of expertise
- 225g hair-raising incidents where nobody knows what is wrong or why the patient is not responding in the expected manner
- finely grated nerves of one person
For the drizzle topping
- Juice of one tortured soul
- 85g distress and pain, to be applied daily
0 kcalories, Trihexyphenidyl Benzhexol 5g, Rizatriptan Benzoate Wafers (Oral Lyophilisate) 50g, Clonazepam 1g, Prochlorperazine Maleate Buccal 13g, Hypromellose Eye Drops 0.3% w/v 21 g, Amitriptyline Hydrochloride 33g, Polyethylene Oxide (GHF) Lozenges 0.3 g
1. Heat the body to 220°C/fan 290°C/Gas Mark 9 for at least 30 minutes. Wait until it is sweating profusely and then plunge down to 90°C/fan 110°C/Gas Mark ¼. Continue to alternate the temperature changes until the sponge mixture begins to bloom.
In human sponges, “bloom” refers to constant tremors and spasms which leave the sponge in a weakened state that demonstrates that all is not well and that there has been separation of the sponge from its physical self. It does not mean that the sponge is no longer usable; rather, this is a clear indication that things are no longer working correctly.
2. Beat together 225g human body, tormented beyond recognition by contrary symptoms and 225g conflicting diagnoses until pale and flimsy.
3. Add 4 medical professionals examining the body from their own specialised areas of expertise; one at a time, slowly mixing until the greatest consistency of confusion and professional mistrust has been achieved.
4. Bake for 6 months and then insert a thin skewer into the centre of the sponge – causing its symptoms to manifest drastically enough to require being rushed to hospital in an ambulance: where she will be informed that she is not having a Stroke.
5. Combine 225g assortment of strong prescription medications with 225g hair-raising incidents where nobody knows what is wrong or why the patient is not responding in the expected manner and knead over and over. If performed correctly, this will conclude in all test results coming back as “Normal”.
6. While the sponge is cooling at the hospital, mix together the juice of its tortured soul and 85g distress and pain to make the drizzle.
7. On return to its tin-abode, prick the semi-conscious sponge all over with a skewer of discomfort, then pour over the drizzle and leave the sponge to absorb. The juice will sink in and the distress and pain will form a lovely, crisp coating that will numb the sponge’s perception of its environment and cloud its thoughts.
8. Repeat Step 7 on a daily basis. Pour as much of the drizzle mixture onto the sponge as you can. If the sponge becomes reluctant or too feeble to absorb any more liquid, leave for a short period and then repeat the process. Adding more strong prescription medications at this juncture could help the sponge to rise slightly – allowing it to absorb more drizzle.
9. Repeat Steps 1-7 as often as mood dictates over a period of another 12 months. It is essential that this process not be rushed.
10. For a fuller flavour of human misery, exponentially increase the number of medical professionals. We have found that anything up to 12 helps the confusion consistency to thicken heartily.
11. Place the sponge on a cooling rack from time to time. The regular resting periods will lull her into the false belief that things might be settling down and that the worst has come and gone. When this is proved false, sprinkle in the finely grated nerves of one person and watch what happens.
This sponge is charmingly decrepit and gets more maudlin and infirm with time. It makes a great topic for whispered conversation and visitors can never resist staring and marvelling at what happened to the person they knew.
Store in an airtight clear plastic container somewhere within the home so that the sponge can view the world around her and periodically wonder where it all went wrong.
Can it be frozen?
Yes. The sponge can be left in this highly agitated state for an indefinite period of time.
Can it be prepared in advance?
Yes, the symptoms can be brewing up for several months in advance – even without the knowledge of the sponge.
Will leftovers be nice?
Sometimes. If the symptoms are recognisable to medical professionals, they may then be able to provide a management system for keeping the sponge fresh(ish).
Having put so much effort into making the human sponge, take a bit of time to wrap it up in hospital appointments and waiting lists. Sheets of medical procedures and testing are great and can be tied together like festive ribbons and decorations. Or look out for verbal battles with medical professionals, which will make the sponge feel really depleted and can be used again repeatedly.
Web link: http://www.fuckertyhappens.com/recipes/4942/
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AUTHOR: I am might war. I have a love of music, the written word, travel, Anime, polar bears, people and “sticking and colouring”.