What You will see, but be unable to understand:
What I will think, but be unable to say:
I see the horror in your eyes as my body rolls and contorts before you: making it difficult to approach when your first instinct is to administer aid.
But any physical contact will only add to the pain that is trampling my senses.
I hear the fear and distress in your voice: the way your words tremble and trip over themselves – desperately searching for ways to be helpful. But this situation cannot be helped.
Your role is to stand guard lest I choke on my own breath.
I know my presence discomforts you. No, it’s OK. You don’t have to explain yourself. I just wanted to acknowledge that the way I present causes awkwardness.
What I ask is that you hold the discomfort and look at me anyway.
Because inside this broken shell, I remain.
The brain still functions, you see. Actually, that’s a lie. And at the same time, not. There are obviously problems – as evidenced by the fact of my illness; but I can still process my experience and feelings and all that entails.
A better way to say it would be: Inside this broken shell, the me-that-is remains. The person … the personality … the spirit of the being … she remains.
Did you know me before I got sick? Does that make it better or worse to see my current state, I wonder?
I want to say how sorry I am that I cannot protect you from what I have become.
I want to explain that I came out today because I hungered for simple interaction. That I am tired of being a listless shadow behind curtains.
Most of all, I want to tell you that it’s OK. That I’m OK.
At least, I will be when this slows down enough that I can catch my breath.
This piece was written and submitted as part of WordPress.com’s Weekly Writing Challenge. The writing challenges are designed to “help you to push your writing boundaries, show off your blogging chops, and, hopefully, spark more post ideas”. The posts should be specifically written in response to the challenge set.
This week’s challenge was to “Tell us about what health means to you”. You can see how other bloggers responded to the challenge, on Fit to Write.
- Sick ‘n’ Tired (An exploration of anger as a healing process)
- Spastic … and sh!t
- Blue Pill/Red Pill
- Recovering With Grace
- The Stink of Chronic Illness
- Functional Movement Disorder :: #1 – What Is It?
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AUTHOR: I am might war. I have a love of music, the written word, travel, Anime, polar bears, people and “sticking and colouring”.