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Crippled Conversations

What You will see, but be unable to understand:

 

 
What I will think, but be unable to say:

I see the horror in your eyes as my body rolls and contorts before you: making it difficult to approach when your first instinct is to administer aid.
But any physical contact will only add to the pain that is trampling my senses.

I hear the fear and distress in your voice: the way your words tremble and trip over themselves – desperately searching for ways to be helpful. But this situation cannot be helped.
Your role is to stand guard lest I choke on my own breath.

I know my presence discomforts you. No, it’s OK. You don’t have to explain yourself. I just wanted to acknowledge that the way I present causes awkwardness.

What I ask is that you hold the discomfort and look at me anyway.

Because inside this broken shell, I remain.

The brain still functions, you see. Actually, that’s a lie. And at the same time, not. There are obviously problems – as evidenced by the fact of my illness; but I can still process my experience and feelings and all that entails.

A better way to say it would be: Inside this broken shell, the me-that-is remains. The person … the personality … the spirit of the being … she remains.
 
Did you know me before I got sick? Does that make it better or worse to see my current state, I wonder?

I want to say how sorry I am that I cannot protect you from what I have become.

I want to explain that I came out today because I hungered for simple interaction. That I am tired of being a listless shadow behind curtains.

Most of all, I want to tell you that it’s OK. That I’m OK.

At least, I will be when this slows down enough that I can catch my breath.
 

This piece was written and submitted as part of WordPress.com’s Weekly Writing Challenge. The writing challenges are designed to “help you to push your writing boundaries, show off your blogging chops, and, hopefully, spark more post ideas”. The posts should be specifically written in response to the challenge set.

This week’s challenge was to “Tell us about what health means to you”. You can see how other bloggers responded to the challenge, on Fit to Write.
 

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AUTHOR: I am might war. I have a love of music, the written word, travel, Anime, polar bears, people and “sticking and colouring”.

13 thoughts on “Crippled Conversations

  1. I must confess. I love you to bits and can see that you are still you on the inside. Your eloquent and wonderful writings demonstrate that. Were I to meet you in real life, I would know you but I wouldn’t. From what you type, it seems that even talking can be a complete and utter drain on your physical being. I am the helpful type so just know that I would desparately want to help you in whatever way I could. I wouldn’t try to complete your sentences for you if you were struggling, but wouldn’t know if you would find it annoying and irritating, or if you would want me to as you would find it a relief that, thank Christ, that would be one less sentence you would have to spit out to communicate. I imagine you would tire very easily and my company and presence might or might not be welcome after five or ten minutes as I’ve exhausted you. I am a very non-judgemental, caring, giving person and would truly accept you for who you are, with patience and love, only wishing like hell that you had never suffered this awful affliction in the first place, and you were able to just be you. Free, able and living life to the fullest as you used to.

    1. Thank you, strawbs. I think if we met, we would spend a lot of time giggling. And I would be glad that you could work out some of my sentences for yourself as speaking can take a lot of effort.

  2. It’s a harsh fact that on top of all the pain and despair you feel at your condition you also carry the guilt of how your situation impacts on the people you love and love you. But we never forget that you are still you and any frustration and despair and grief those round you feel is at the condition that has taken you from us in this way, never at the you we know inside….. and we are all waiting for and cherish the moments we have of you. Love you Might War xxxx

    1. Thank you, Fiona. Mostly I can handle my body’s behaviour, but there are moments when its impact on others is savagely brought home and this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

  3. Pingback: Mute | MightWar

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