Sex and the Wheelchair

Sex and the Wheelchair - mightwar
 
 

I want to fuck my wife.

Yep, I said it. I want to fuck my wife.

In fact, I’d prefer to be doing that rather than writing this post. But unfortunately, no can do.

And that’s the problem right there.
 
 
I realise that many of you are now hurriedly backing away from your screens at this point, but I really need to talk about this.
 

*****

 
 

OK, here is my problem:

Since I got sick three years ago, my wife and I haven’t had sex.

Yep, you read that right. Three years.

My wife and I have discussed the lack of sex in our relationship during this time and she is not unduly worried. But it’s starting to bug me out a little.

 

*****

 
 

I was late to come to the sexual table. My first sexual experience occurred two weeks before my twenty-fourth birthday. Up ‘til then, I had been non-sexual – it just didn’t cross my mind to do anything with anyone.

I’m not kidding. For my twentieth birthday, my mate Gus gave me a book on how to masturbate because she couldn’t believe that I wasn’t at least touching myself. (Nice one, Gus. The book’s been really handy over the years 😉)

 
When I hit twenty-five, my body awoke to its sexual self and the journey into pleasure and intimacy kicked off.

I was surprised to discover that not only did I enjoy sex, but I was also more experimental and voracious than I would have ever given myself credit for.

And because I was blessed with lovers of a similar vein, I was able to explore all the elements of the sexual arena that drew my interest.

 

*****

 
 

By the time that I reached my mid-thirties, I was fully conversant with my sexual self and had found a woman who was not only a natural redhead, but who had (wondrously) agreed to share my life despite my tendency to hump her leg at inconvenient times (Does life get better than this?).

My high sex drive has been a constant amusement for my wife and me. So much so, that I sent her this card:

local-postman-card

 
The message I wrote inside was:

To Auburn,

Because I thought you would appreciate being propositioned by someone other than me for a change.

P.S.: I plan to get my share after the postman.
And I don’t care what you wear.

 

*****

 
 

Then in early 2011, I got sick with Functional Movement Disorder. The illness affects my ability to stand, walk, speak, see and coordinate my movements.

And because my body spasms a lot, my wife has had to avoid close contact lest I inadvertently punch, kick, elbow or scratch her in the process: which seriously put a dampener on opportunities for me to cop a feel.

 

*****

 
 

Eighteen months ago, we were sitting chatting on the sofa and I somehow managed to turn our conversation into innuendo. This was such a miraculous event in itself – what with my medications either leaving me zombie-like or with no short-term memory so that I repeat conversations – that I decided to try make a move.

I looked over my shoulder coquettishly and decided to lean in slowly to plant a kiss.

I put my hand down on the sofa between us to close the gap, leaned in and there then followed several hours of clothes-tearing, heavy-breathing, “Take me now, I’m losing my mind on lust” fornication.

Or so I wish.

 

*****

 
 

What actually happened was this.

 
I looked over my shoulder coquettishly and decided to lean in slowly to plant a kiss.

I put my hand down on the sofa between us to close the gap, leaned in and then my wrist, elbow and shoulder joints collapsed – causing me to fall forward and head-butt the wife’s lap sharply enough for her to cry out in pain.
 
Three and a half hours later, I once again become aware of my surroundings; to find myself slumped across the sofa, hyperventilating.

My whole body is transmitting pain in excruciating detail and urgency.

My mouth is doing a solid impression of the Sahara.

There is drool running down my chin and pooling on the seat beneath me.

I look up to see the wife sat on a folding chair opposite me with an anxious look on her face.
 
 
Turns out I had a series of episodes simultaneously – which looks like a cross between an Epileptic seizure and Stroke.

And the icing on the cake? I had pissed myself during all the palaver, so the wife’s put down towels to soak up the spill.

Seriously folks, it doesn’t get sexier than this.
 
 
We then had to wait another hour for my shakes to slow down enough for me to be extricated into the wheelchair and then wheeled down to bathroom to be washed and changed.

After which the wife had to clean up the mess that I’d made on the sofa.

 

*****

 
 

I think it fair to assume that this incident will not be making it onto either of our lists of 100 Horniest Nights of My Life.

Damn it! There was a time when I could make three and a half hours count for something!!

If I’d had my way, the wife would have been too exhausted to say her own name. Instead, she spent the evening monitoring me to ensure that I was able to breathe and swallow; and feeding me water through a straw!

Anyone else see what’s wrong with this picture?

 

*****

 
 

Even so, that’s more than we’ve managed since then.

For over a year, I haven’t even felt horny.

To be precise, I haven’t felt anything – besides the pain, that is.

And when I say “anything”, I mean any. thing. Most of the time, I’m unable to tell when someone/something is touching me unless I am actually looking directly at the point of contact.

I even tried masturbating to see if I could overcome the loss of sensation. And it was like …

….

….

 
 
Do you know how disheartening it can be to touch yourself and not be able to feel anything at all?

I got so tired of these tumbleweed moments that I just gave up.

 

*****

 
 

But there is good news, Ladies and Gentlemen. Over the last couple of months,

my horniness has returned!

OK. I probably didn’t need to write that so large, but I got caught up in the celebratory moment.

 
I’m very excited by the possibility of having sex again. But there is some anxiety too.

I mean, it’s been three years. And so I’m wondering;

What if I have forgotten what to do?

 
That may seem like a silly thing to worry about, but the thought keeps coming back to haunt me.

I mean, before I got sick, my bedroom skills were solid. What I could do to a woman’s body was amazing. My skills with the male body weren’t on the same level, but that was because I hadn’t spent as much time practising.

But I was proficient and received high praise from those I’d fucked and those who’d watched me fuck.

And now, what: I’m to return to virgin status and relearn something that I used to know and was good at?

Call me selfish unrealistic whatever, but following the long abstinence, I was kinda hoping to jump back into the sexual pool with abandon and revel in returning to a familiar comfort.

 

*****

 
 

And that’s not the only problem.

My physical stamina isn’t what it was. I have real problems sustaining any physical activity for more than ten minutes at a time.

That doesn’t leave much time for foreplay. Or much of anything at all.

I can just imagine it now: things will have just started to get interesting and I will be hyperventilating like a beached whale and have to ask the wife to bear with me as I roll over and take a couple of hour’s nap just to recover from the exertion of having undressed her.

 
In addition, I can’t sustain holding myself up. So either the wife takes all the responsibility for positioning, or I’m gonna have to take the crutches to bed.

I guess we could do it with the wife straddling me on the wheelchair, but I have visions of us tipping backwards and breaking it.

And those things are not cheap to replace!

 

*****

 
 

But that’s not the worst of it. My illness means that I don’t know if I am capable of movement until the moment that I try. And then, my body may move in a way other than intended.

So that means we are going to have to plan sex.

Seriously now: before we can have sex, we have to think about things like:

  • Whether I am physically well enough to even give it a try;
  • How to position ourselves so that I don’t injure her in the process if I suddenly spasm;
  • Whether I can physically sense it when she is touching me or when I am touching her;
  • and blah, blah, blah

 
Goodbye spontaneity.

 
Knowing my luck, even if I am able to act on the intent, the short-term memory loss will probably kick in part way through.

And then I’ll come to to find the wife knocking the top of my head and asking what happened.

And I’ll look at her blankly and ask: “Where am I?”

Maybe I should put together an A4 brief bullet-pointing what goes where? You know, just in case…

 

*****

 
 

Seriously, I hadn’t realised that getting horny would raise all these considerations.

I just want to return to that sexual being who enjoyed exploring my wife’s body and seeing what pleasures we could bring to each other.

Is that too much to ask?

But this is the reality of my illness. We can’t do things with the same fluidity that we used to.

In order to regain the lost elements of our lives, we’ll have to rethink the situation and come up with alternatives.

And I’ll just have to deal with my frustration at not being able to do things the way that I would like.

I’ve done the best I can do for now:

  1. I’ve told the wife that my horniness has returned.
  2.  

  3. I’ve told the wife that I plan to get a leg over some time this year.
  4.  

  5. I’ve told the wife to prepare herself.

 
 
It’s not much, in the scheme of things. But she has been warned.
 
 
 

SO TELL ME: What have you done to get the rut started following a long sexual drought? If any of you have specific experience of maintaining sexual relationships in times of disability and/or chronic illness, I would love to hear from you too.

 
 

freshly-pressed-badge

 
 

Related Posts (if you need further proof that I’m this shameless all the time)

 
 

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AUTHOR: I am might war. I have a love of music, the written word, travel, Anime, polar bears, people and “sticking and colouring”.

176 thoughts on “Sex and the Wheelchair

  1. I went three years without sex. It was voluntary, not a result of illness or injury, and I was nervous as hell on my first night back in the sack. There was some initial awkwardness, but my partner was patient and loving and together I discovered that I hadn’t forgotten everything like I’d worried I had. Oh and I pretty much popped like the stereotypical teenage boy at the first moment of intimate contact, so I think ten minutes of stamina might not be a bad goal for you both your first time back together. I hope it’s amazing for you!

    1. ‘S funny pieterk515,

      I had the same reactions when I was writing the post. And the humour will remain: if only because life is too glorious to go round with a grumpy face all the time. Here’s to joy and frivolity – despite the circumstances.

  2. Wow! That was really interesting. I actually enjoyed it. I probably shouldn’t have, but in the beginning I did laugh a bit. I’m glad things are improving and hope your sexual drive remains high!! Good luck with future endeavors. 🙂

    1. Thank you, Maya. And don’t feel bad about laughing. I wrote the post so that others could laugh with me about my predicament. Makes it feel a lot lighter that way.

  3. This brought me to tears. An aunt who I loved the most, my absolute favorite, suffered from debilitating pain which kept her from enjoying her most favourite thing: sex. While I have no advice, my heart goes out to you. Your honesty and humorous approach to something so absolutely consuming is a healing force, and it sounds like you have an amazing partner to love you, which is the most healing force of all. Thank you for sharing this seriously intimate window into a circumstance most of us never even consider a possibility.

  4. How you managed to put humor into this very serious situation is amazing, I think you are one of those people who find something positive and something to laugh about in every situation. I honestly wish you well and keep being positive about life. Cheers

  5. You are a very honest person and despite your illness you still think of how to regain back your active life shared together. I salute your wife’s support and understanding to you, really I believe you must be very in-love with each other. May I just re-phrase your statement instead: I want to make love with my wife which you have started and I make sure that is also the desire of your wife: I want to make love with my husband. Go on with the planning and whoa, I congratulate your honesty. How I hope men will be open and honest to discuss their sexual desire and disability especially when illness comes in between in the relationship. Will pray for you MightWar and Auburn, you can overcome!

  6. You are not alone! I’m in a wheelchair as well and my boyfriend and I have had similar issues with positioning and muscle spasms which often makes sex far less frequent than I’d like. Embrace the planning. It’s going to feel awkward at first but the way I see it, we are setting time aside to be with each other in spite of limitations trying to get in the way: and if planning is what has to be done to make it happen, so be it. I will not let my disability define me as a non sexual being.

  7. Reblogged this on I write for my girlfriend and commented:
    Sometimes, life is more than what we have seen uptil now. I didn’t know what it was to be in his position. I can tell you that I wouldn’t be wanting sex though if I was in his position. I would have wanted the freedom to stand and walk. Well, still, I see that there are a LOT of people who resonate his feelings and I grew more attracted to this guy as I followed those comments. I think I would like you to notice how people have reacted here rather than how this guy puts it (I do have sympathies for him).

  8. Practice step 3 until you can do it in your sleep…even when you are experiencing a degree of physical pain/effects (no need torture yourself, you know)

    Then:
    1. Be ready
    2. Tell wife to get in the mood (quickly)
    3. Settle wheelchair back against wall, possibly remove arms
    4. Set brake
    6. Invite wife to join you on chair
    7. Be convincing that it will be worthwhile to accept your invitation
    8. Banish performance anxiety
    9. Proceed accordingly
    10. Enjoy contact (no matter the outcome)

    It’s a challenge. Challenges are meant to be overcome. Use your imagination.
    Good luck!

    PS. If this seems insensitive to your condition~~which, BTW I understand that I cannot begin to imagine the hell it must be for you….you have my warmest thoughts and wishes for extended periods of relief~~and my apologies~~and my congratulations that you are once again “feeling”.

    I do have an understanding of the mechanics of the above process. Admittedly, my understanding is based on a spinal injury that prevented feeling below the chest…but the physical contact and the intimacy was sufficient reward…fervently and gratefully reported by both parties.

  9. My condition is different than yours, but I have managed to dislocate my knee during sex….more than once. I don’t really have any advise, other than to keep your sense of humor. And remember: any woman that will clean up your piss in lieu of having sex, clearly loves you very much. As someone who struggles with chronic pain, I can empathize with what you are going through. Hold on to hope, things will get better.

  10. I’ve come back to this post a few times. And decided to comment this time around. Your post has inspired me with you honesty, strength, frustrations, courage. It’s made me both laugh out loud (my kids thought I was going crazy again) and brought a tear to my eye. Thanks for sharing.

  11. Wow. This is the first blog I have read, and it couldn’t have been more fitting. We just discussed this topic in a class that I am in …and so I vaguely blogged about it and I couldn’t have been more wrong smh.

    I would like to say that you are an AMAZING writer, and that would be my first suggestion for you. Have you tried some erotica? Why don’t you write your wife all of your freaky thoughts and everything you would like to do to her to make her climax…..then all the things you would like her to do to you??? It’s something that has helped my husband and I at the most random times.

    If you get a chance, could you check out my post and leave me some feedback to go in the right direction regarding what sex is or isn’t like in a wheelchair.

    1. Dear Patricia,

      That erotica suggestion is great and I’m gonna try it.

      I’m looking forward to checking out your post. It may take a while as I have a bit of a backlog with comments here, but I have bookmarked the page and look forward to discovering another’s perspective.

      Take good care of yourself now,

      might war

    1. Never! The sex may be missing, but it is not over yet. Whilst it is in me to have sex with my wife, I will explore all the alternative methods that we can try to enable us to continue enjoying this side of our relationship.

      1. Try oral. Your tongue still works: pleasure her with oral and use your fingers vaginally and anally. Have her get in different positions every time, keep her satisfied and happy with something. I hope that sex advice helps if you haven’t tried those already.

  12. Despite the challenges and frustrations, you appear to have a healthy perspective which, through a creative medium, no doubt lessens the load!

    Thanks for sharing such a personal corner.

    I wish you and the wife good times ahead. 🙂

  13. Great piece of writing about a subject that is so often ignored when discussing illness. My ex-brother in law had motor neurone disease & couldn’t do very much at all towards the end. But the 2 things not destroyed by that disease are the brain & sexual organs; so he’d have a ‘lady’ come to see him & I had to admire him for not letting his illness destroy all of his life & desires.

    1. I applaud his attitude. Living a life entirely focused on your serious illness/disability leaves a lot to be desired. Just existing from day to day is wearing and it’s important to do things that bring you joy and allow you to feel that you are making the most of the extraordinary gift of being alive.

  14. This was one of the best stories I’ve read in a long time. Your honesty is refreshing and commendable. I have to tell you, you made me giggle several times. I especially like how you start your story. People tiptoe around too many things. Thank you for posting this. You made me stop and think about how important the things taken for granted are. I just think you’re wonderful. Get her done!

  15. I have a condition similar to yours. I am a child of Agent Orange. I am in a wheelchair most days and have involuntary movements as well. AKA beating on my other half while sleeping. I give you props for putting this out there! You are not alone.
    I just became a hopeful candidate of the new Boston Scientific Neuromodulation (Spinal Cord Stimulator) and pray I don’t reject it. The thought of not being in debilitating pain daily had given me new hope… Maybe false hope, but new hope none the less. Best wishes to you and I hope you get your Nookie!

  16. Reblogged this on anewgirl916 and commented:
    This is an astonishing post by another person with special needs. It is touching and sad and funny at same time. Very well written. I give this man a ton of prop’s!!!!! A must read.

  17. I suggest under the bed cuffs or some type of bondage to restrain you..with her in control and on top…good luck to you and Auburn 😉

  18. OMG!! Mighty I just want to say I love this blog because you keep shit real!! Like Strawberryquicksand said “I truly hope you can get a leg over sooner rather than later.” And she’s right, sex is a big part of life. I wish you the best of luck my friend.

  19. It’s Sunday afternoon where I usually sit down in front of the computer blog working, sipping wine – enjoying people’s posts. By the time I finished reading your entry, I have already been drinking 2 glasses. Sweaty, heart pumping like crazy. I admire your brutal honesty.

  20. I felt like I was reading a story of myself. A ruptured artery in my spine left me paralyzed from my chest down in 2010. I was 35 years old, freshly divorced, and ready to join the sexually active again. But life had different plans. I understand.

    1. Dear thenewsight,

      It’s astounding how fuckerty just seems to know the right time to trip us up in life. I am pissed off on your behalf – and hope that you don’t mind me saying that. Because that shit is like: “Come on ..”.

      Out of interest, did you try to rebuild/maintain any type of sexual/physical relationships after this? Feel free to email me via the ‘Contact Me’ section if you’d rather have this conversation in private.

      Take good care of yourself now and I will make time to come visit your site to get to know you better.

      Yours sincerely,

      might war

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